NEW YEAR....WHERE'S THE "HAPPY?"

Lets get right down to business-
One man, one mission-
Success on a level that implodes the head of a soulless monster
that crippled him-
Living well never hurt any mans chances of fucking top shelf
women, and laughing all the way to the a.t.m-
I need that one moment-
I need to hear it via a 2 am phone call...
"I miss......you."
It will come-
You know what I miss?
My life. And all it took to take it away from me
was one self absorbed whore,
and one gutless weasel fuck who at the age of 47,
cant muster up enough ball power to answer his phone-
They spend a lot of time running.....from me-
Like rats- Scurry! RUN RAT RUN!
GOD FEELS MY PAIN-
THE DEVIL, FEELS MY PAIN-
Both have plans for salvation,redemption,and head spinning,
soul twisting,sweet ass revenge-
2008 sucked for my children-
2009, their father is going to see to it
that they feel whole again,
and that those responsible for that pain,
PAY UP-

ON THIS DAY,THE ANGELS IN HEAVEN SAID..."UH OH!"

Today is my birthday-
I'm 43-
Feel like 73-
Still look like I'm 23.
(Well,more like 33,but a young 33!)

WHATEVER

Try and put all the "meaning" in it you like,
life is a big giant bowl of crap-
Sure,we all start out as precious gifts of God,small bundles of miracles and joy,
with endless possibility's and options.
Then,as we grow, one by one we are slowly derailed from someone or something,
be it the third grade bully or a bag full of weed behind the Jr. high school.
Life is that third grade bully.
Constantly fucking with your plans,
throwing in endless "monkey wrenches"to trip you up,
and taking away people,places, and things you work so hard to obtain,maintain,and love-
For some,after any personal loss or failure,the high road is taken,
and optimism rides shotgun through the outlaw territory,
watching your back,
and mind fucking you into believing "Every things going to be just fine."
Well what about those of us that have danced that devil dance before?
The "Once bitten,twice shy" crowd is an angry bunch,
and your promising words of wisdom tend to fall on deaf,angry ears in this fucking
prayer circle-
Our guns are cocked,loaded,and ready to fire,
and we don't even need a valid reason,
just twitch your nose the wrong way.
That's right,hum us Every rose has its thorn,
while we spray our bullets down at your "Half full" optimistic feet,
dance for me monkey boy-
It's all a puddle of shit,
from the never ending shit storm the weather man never seems to mention.
And so, as we put our jaded little heads down,
on our buddy Ricks pillow in his extra bedroom,
because our cheating spouse decided that this would be a great time to turn our life
upside down,and even though your the one who needs the rape kit,
you find yourself far from home,
we lie in the dark,and say to our self's....."Thank you for this day Lord,thank you for everything".

THNIGS I DON'T LIKE

Frogs-Red headed step kids-Mexicans with lisp's-Angry old people that work at Walmart
because they never planned ahead-Angelina Jolie-Marbles-animals carved out of tree stumps-
The men that carve animals out of tree stumps-Ribbon-plain doughnuts-Dogs named "Pepper"-
malted milk balls-The orange smocks Home Depot workers wear-Having my balls sucked too hard during a good old fashion blow job-women who "over moan" during sex(JEEZ,PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH AND SHUT UP ALREADY,YOUR INTO IT,I GET IT!)
Ice tea made in the sun-No smoking signs-Retards who make fun of retarded people-Menthol
cigarettes-Sunday between 5 pm.to 10 pm.-Anything Amish-My kid is a good citizen bumper
stickers-clowns-clown shoes-ghetto gear-gang bangers named "YO YO"-Wooden toys-
Hallmark cards-birds that won't stop chirping in the morning(What the fuck are they so happy about?)-guys that won't drink beer unless it's some snooty,can't find it anywhere,ale-horse lovers-Women who go over board with hair and make-up(Slap on all the war paint you want,
ugly won't be denied)-Nipple hair-lol-the know it all gas station worker(If you knew your ass
from a hat,you wouldn't be ringin up my smokes bitch)the scent of old people-candles that
your not allowed to light-rooms your not allowed to go in,or sit in-french toast-plastic on
furniture-Dogs smaller than hamsters-hamsters-lucky charms-lucky hats-cooking shows-
the term "It's all about me"-Liz Taylor(Die already you fucking mummy)-when your ass itches
and you can't scratch it because you have to have "manners" in public-cheating whores-
anyone that can't let go of high school-That's so Raven-Degrassi-plants-fish tanks-smooth
rocks-snow-plain potato chips-liver-being too cold-having to pretend you care about some one's feelings when you just really want to kick them-men that act like women-women that act like men-lawyers-guys that own and operate lawn care services-Grace Slick-Hazelnut coffee-
stilts-pogo sticks-unicycles-hard candy-candy canes-anything peppermint-coming up with
shit to blog about

LET'S REVIEW WITH JOHNNY PIPEWRENCH

GUNS AND ROSES-CHINESE DEMOCRACY

Or,as I call it,the AXL ROSE SOLO SUCK.
Like a bad joke,that took ten years to get to the punchline,
this album may in fact,go down as the the most embarrassing piece of shit
train wreck ever recorded.
When Velvet Revolver came out,(The core of the original guns line up)
3 seconds into SLITHER,I realized those guys figured out a way to put lightning
in my ears,and I realized how great GUNS would have been from the start
without Opie Taylor (AXL) manning the microphone-
So,for ten long years,rock fans held their collective breath for the second coming
of mayhem,and instead,have been given AXL sings Barry Manilow-YIKES-
How in the hell didn't someone stop this abortion from being released?
and what the fuck was Tommy Stinson thinking?(Original member of The Replacements,
and mastermind behind Village Gorilla Head,one ass kicking solo album,now playing bass
for AXL)This album sucks shit almost as much as my wife....I say....ALMOST-
Not only are there no STARS to give this stain on the good name of rock,
that red headed,pompous,self important knob owes me money back,
as Johnny Rotten once said,
"EVER GET THE FEELING YOU'VE BEEN CHEATED?"
AH.....YEAH.

LITTLE WRENCHETTE NOW SWEARING LIKE A TRUCK DRIVER,OLDER TWO WORKED HARD ON THIS ONE

The end of innocence.
My baby,the sweetest kid I know(Unless she's pissed)
greeted me upon walking in the door the other night with..."Whats up bitch!"
My face turned to stone,hers became bright red.
From upstairs,I heard the evil laughter of her two older siblings.
So after getting the whole story from the little one,
I summoned the other two to face the music.
"It's funny!" exclaimed punk son.
"I had nothing to do with it!" exclaimed wise older daughter.
I made her go through every nasty word.
After my ears stopped burning,
I explained to her that someday,
she can use whatever word she wants,be it, good or bad,
but that,today was not the day.
(Between us,it was pretty funny,but I kept the straight face.)
Punk son then ran out of house as I went pull his under wear up to his neck,
I followed in hot pursuit,didn't find him.
As I walked back in the house,
the giant box for our Xmas tree was by the front door,
(Kids put up tree,looks like it could park in the handicap space)
punk son leaped out of it and gave me a heart attack.
(They've been doing that to me for years,jumping out at me when I least expect it)
Ah,children,our most precious gift.

THANKLESS GIVING

Spending this holiday alone-
For reasons I can't get into,
I find myself with no place to be,
nor do I wish to have one.
Though I am beyond thankful for the three greatest gift's ever bestowed upon me,
(My kids) I find it hard this year to be thankful for anything else.
I was at Gianna's Thanksgiving play today,
she was a pilgrim.
In the middle of her part of the play,
while saying her lines,
she sneezed,and her pilgrim hat slid off of her head,and ended up covering her face.
She laughed.Most kids would cry.Mine took it in stride and just laughed.
Once she got her hat back in place,
she looked at me and just smiled. God I love that kid.

I just want everyone to know,
that closed captioning for WGN is sponsored in part,
by LUNA. Now go back to doing whatever it was you were doing.